Choose another way.

Shift your perception

Many people believe things like conflict and anger are bad, and try to avoid or suppress them. A healthier approach is to realize that strong emotions and disagreements are natural and normal. Then when they occur, you can focus on dealing with them in a healthy and proactive way.

Work with your anger

Anger is natural and normal. It can help us to realize there are injustices present, and provide the energy to do something about it. However, it can also be very destructive. Some suggestions for dealing with anger well.

Get to know yourself. It is important to recognize anger within yourself, and your body often feels anger before your head realizes what’s going on. Watch for the particular signs your body makes when it is angry, such as rising body temperature, tense muscles, and raised voice.

Breathe. Once you realize you are feeling angry, take a deep breath (or five).

Find ways to be calm. Venting often escalates your anger because you are focused on the things that made you mad. Instead, concentrate on de-escalating. If you have excess energy, try walking, breathing exercises, or cleaning.

Respect

In a conflict situation, people often begin to see the other person as their enemy. If we remind ourselves that every person has dignity and worth, and deserves our respect, it can help us to focus on the problem, rather than the person.

Listen with empathy

means giving the speaker all of your attention and engaging in what they say. This becomes more difficult but especially important when you disagree with the person, or you are having a conflict with them. Some attributes of good listening:

1. Try to become curious about the person, and avoid judgment.
2. Be an attentive listener. Show them, with your face, that you are listening.
3. Use words like 'uh-huh', 'okay', and 'I see', to show that you are engaged.
4. Don't interrupt.
5. Identify the person's key feeling or frustration (e.g. That would be so frustrating! or Did it make you happy to hear that?) This can help the person identify their feelings, and they know you understand what they are saying

Fight Fairly

Conflicts will happen when people are in relationship with each other. When handled well, it can lead to positive change in the relationship. Fighting fairly helps solve problems without laying blame. When people fight fairly, they focus on specific issues. This means not attacking the person, and not 'hitting below the belt' by saying something that is a sensitive issue to the other person. Fighting fairly also means avoiding accusations and generalizing (using words like always or never, e.g. "You never help me when I ask for help.").

Try for a win/win solution

When people in a difficult conflict sit down with a trained mediator, they are often surprised to find that they actually share similar goals, they are just trying to achieve these goals in different ways. To do this in your own conflict, try to go deeper and figure out what both people's needs, hopes, and goals are (eg. We both want to live in a clean and organized house, but have different ideas about how to get there). Then brainstorm and think creatively to find a solution that works for everyone.

For more information, check out these resources, commissioned by MCC

• Restorative Justice
• Lemonade
• I have a conflict